The Great Kiwi Hunt
by Sparkly Red Slippers
Summary: Luna, Neville, Harry hunt Kiwis, the fruit/animal . . . thing, that transforms. Hermione denies their existence.
1. Chapter 1

"Kiwis, Luna?" Neville looked on in wonder, large brown eyes wider than the fruit he was holding in his hand.

"Yes Kiwis." Luna confirmed as she plucked the hairy fruit out of the Gryffindor's hands. Behind her, Harry was quietly giggling into his plate of eggs.

"Don't be silly Neville." Hermione snapped at the group, taking pause from her current textbook. "Kiwifruit can't turn into animals called Kiwis. It's not possible."

"But this is the magical world Heeeermione!" Luna dragged out the 'er' in the older girls' name making her shudder. "Magic does a lot of things. Magic can turn a desk into a pig." Luna beamed at the bushy haired girl.

"Yes, but that's Transfiguration. Totally different from a fruit turning into an animal on it's own."

"Details, details."

"Now, Neville, Harry, are you up to the challenge of stalking and capturing the Elusive Kiwi Fruit?" Luna smiled sweetly at her new partners in crime.

"It's in your hand Luna. You don't have to go hunting for it." Neville pointed out to the blonde girl.

Luna smiled a very scary smile full of teeth, and threw the Kiwi over the head of the students. "AFTER THAT KIWI GENTLEMEN!" Luna tripped in her haste to get to the Kiwi that was rapidly rolling away.

'I didn't know she could trip.' Harry mouthed to Neville.

'I thought she floated.' Neville mouthed back, as he watched Luna skip determinedly after the rolling Kiwi, who was making a quick getaway.


	2. Chapter 2

"Now, the first thing you need to know about Kiwis," Luna began to lecture, "is that they always know when you're talking about them. Always." She gave them a very serious look. "They are viscous animals that like to take on the form of unassuming and strange fruits." Luna pointed to a brown splotch with squiggly lines coming out of it. "The little brown hairs act as sensors. They have many eyes as well. That's what the seeds are for." Luna pointed to another picture next to them that featured a green lopsided oval with many black dots inside of it.

"Never talk about a Kiwi when it's parted. It triggers an alarm and all the other Kiwis will know." Luna bared her teeth at the two sweating Gryffindors. "They will come in the middle of the night and scoop out your eyeballs with their beaks."

Neville looked a sickly shade of Kiwi green.

Harry raised his hand in the air. "Yes Harry?" Luna smiled at him.

"How do we protect ourselves from the Kiwis? We talked about Kiwi hunting in front of one. "

"Oh shit."

Neville turned even greener.


	3. Chapter 3

Luna pulled the wide brim of her straw hat even lower over her face, which wasn't necessary since she had a pair of large sunglasses to cover over three-fourths of her face. But oh well. It's one hundred fifty percent more effective if you add the hat!

Or so Luna thought.

She was soon proven wrong when at breakfast, a bowl of Kiwis appeared near her. Luna casually did not look at the bowl and instead reached for an orange next to the Kiwis.

A Kiwi fell out of the Bowl of Eyeless Doom.

Luna's eyebrow twitched. She slowly peeled her orange into triangles with such precision that she even freaked her Ravenclaw breakfast mates.

The Kiwi slowly rolled forward and Luna watched it out of the corner of her eye as she bit into an orange slice. _Just a little more . . . _

"KIWIS ATTACK!" Luna shrieked and threw a butter knife at the Kiwi, pinning it to the table.

"Miss Lovegood, is there a problem here?" Professor Flitwick squeaked out nervously as he watched the murderous blonde who had gotten into a staring match with the brown fruit.

"Not all Professor!" Luna smiled cheerfully at the old Charms professor. She wasn't going to bring innocents in this. Except for Hermione, but that's different.


	4. Chapter 4

Luna, Harry and Neville armed with throwing stars, daggers, wands and nets, slowly crept in the halls of Hogwarts. They were (discreetly) stalking a pair of kiwis that were rolling around, or at least trying to. Luna kept humming the Mission Impossible theme song and Harry kept cursing when Neville tripped over his feet, the stairs, a snail and a speck of dust.

This brings us to the question why there was a snail in Hogwarts. Surely, Mrs. Norris would have caught it by now and had a meal worthy of the French?

Apparently snails and slugs, snails more so, were the archrivals of the evil kiwis! The kiwis stole all the hair from the snails which is why snails and slugs were all slimy and bald nowadays.

Luna enlisted the help of a couple of snails through secret and shady deals down in the Forbidden Forest.

"Alright men, on my count we charge around the corner and attack and give 'em hell!" Luna whispered loudly to her henchmen and The ARMY OF MIGHTY SNAIL DOOM. The snails growled fiercely and were seen sharpening their fangs.

The three humans didn't even know they had fangs. Didn't snails eat plants?

"CHARGE!!" Came the battle cry and forgetting the fact that Luna was supposed to count to three, they charged the two kiwis.

Only to be faced with many, many, more.

Shit. An ambush! Those sneaky blighters!

Luna sweated for a brief moment before throwing herself into the fray of the battle and started wrestling with a fruit turned bird.

There was lard squawking and much hair and feather pulling. It was a vicious and bloody bird fight.

"Crikey!" Luna cried out as the Kiwi bit extremely hard on her arm. Luna decided to retaliate by pulling on its tail feather.

While the two were engaging in a death match, the noise and action around started to die down into a murmur. Luna and The Kiwi paused and looked on the scene in disbelief.

Hermione was throwing bread crumbs at the Kiwis who were pecking at it quite happily and providing plenty of plants for the snails. She even had treacle tart for Harry and strawberry cupcakes for Neville. Helping her distribute the yummy goodness that is bread crumbs, plants, treacle tart and cupcakes was her love slave, Ronald.

Luna and Kiwi kept gaping until Ron shoved a lemon tart in her mouth and a piece of bread into Kiwi's.

"Hermione did you steal my goods again?" Harry asked all of sudden eyeing the lemon tart that Luna was happily nibbling and moaning around.

"You bake way too well for a man and a Gryffindor, Harry."

And so, a peace treaty was formed.


	5. The End

"You know, you could have told me that you were part of the Secret Society of Creature Kare."

"Yes well, after Dobby helped to form the movement, we had to swear not to tell anyone about SSOCK. We had to wait for the okay to tell a potential member and then the candidate had to go through a series of aptitude tests to make sure that he or she will care for creatures to their best of their ability."

"Tough. And I wasn't deemed competent enough to take care of animals?"

"Actually, we thought you would be too busy wondering if a creature had slow acting venom to actually care for them." There was an amused lilt to her voice. "We didn't really want too many experiments going on. It's a shame you decided to start this whole Kiwi Hunt since you were about to be given a level one clearance."

"Damn."

"Quite."


End file.
